Little Shop of Knowledge

I realize the impact Let Your Life Speak had in me (and yes, I did eventually caught up and finished the book). Every time I remember the lessons this text encompasses I fall upon reflection and analyze if my life is synchronized to my vocation. At times this is not clear, however by moving forward and experimenting I realize that there are unexplored roads that I would like to travel. With this in mind I will take experience as an opportunity to get information from the real world. If it is not meant to happen then it will result as Parker states in chapter 3 (When way closes) a lesson learned: “there is as much guidance  in what does not and cannot happen in my life as there is in what can and does – maybe more.”



 

I’m almost done with my first year at the MPC and so far I feel that this is where I need to be right now. I sometimes see other people studying filmmaking and having a lot of fun and it makes me question whether I should be there, but as I think about it, it simply doesn’t feel right, something in me tells me that maybe there are bigger plans, or not bigger but different plans for me out there.

This summer I’ll have some time for myself, to create some films, get to those books that I’ve had in hold for quite a long time now, share with my family,  and listen again. I’m also going to a spiritual retreat next weekend (which is why I’m spending my Friday night documenting) where I hope to get in touch with myself, God and society (especially with this group of the Catholic church here in Guatemala.)



A year ago (literally) I was in the position of making some drastic changes in my life, which reminds me of chapter four, all the way down. When things are going well in our lives we tend to think that this is how they’ve been all the time. It doesn’t help us or anyone to think this way. Remember that “there is a season”, there are different stages in one’s life and we should try to learn as much from them as possible in order to become whole persons and be in tune with vocation.



A year ago my position of making drastic changes came from being “pushed to the ground”. Palmer refers to this term when mentioning depression, how instead of it being the hand of an enemy pushing you down it can be seen as the hand of a friend, also pushing you down, but to a “ground where it’s safe to stand.” Such ground I believe is a description truthful to ourselves. A higher ground means that we’re denying those aspects of our selves that we don’t like. Some call it ego, or an exaggerated self-esteem (which isn’t really the case because all we are is afraid of recognizing our flaws, thinking things “can’t” be a certain way.) Then there’s also a lower ground, where we think we’re not good enough for anything and everything sucks. That’s also not a precise description of our real selves. “Our ground” is when we look at ourselves in the situation we are, as truthfully as possible. We may have qualities as well as horrible defects, and guess what? IT’S ALLRIGHT! It’s about being a whole person, not a perfect one.



     Getting back to my point: my gloomy days were coming to an end when I recognized that I needed to so something about it. I’ve mentioned this in earlier posts, however I wasn’t specific enough, I want to truly describe what I felt like “all the way down” because it’s important not to deny this stories to ourselves and to people that might go through this road and could use the experience.

     Every day I headed towards the university in an automatic state and as I realized I couldn’t pay attention to the monotony of math class, a voice started whispering in my ear: “I’m not good enough for anyone”, “I’ll never make my parents proud”, “I should’ve gone to George Mason University to study”, “I should know this content, I’m stupid”, “My parents paid the most expensive school in the country for nothing, I’m just an expense to them”, “My friends don’t really care about me”, “I can’t follow the nutritionist’s diet and advice, I’ll always be fat an ugly”, “Life sucks, I don’t have a future”, “There are people with less resources than me and they’re happy, I’m just a spoiled brat that will never accomplish anything by my own means and will just keep complaining forever” “I wasn’t like this before, maybe I’ve been fake all along, I was wrong in everything I said and did”, “I just need to leave the country, I can’t be happy in this miserable place”,  the cycle was vicious and soul crushing. As I delve into these memories I remember how negative my view of the world was, and believe me, though I can speak of it now it wasn’t fun at all. I had to live on an every day basis, not because I was seizing the day, but because I didn’t want to keep going, I didn’t want to move forward if it meant another day of self destruction.



I can’t recall the exact moment of when I decided to wake up, perhaps there wasn’t an exact moment but it was something gradual. Whatever the case, I had a glimpse of myself through a different lens, a cleaner lens, and realized that I had to do something to change my condition. That’s when I turned to the Church’s youth group which left me filled with energy and gave me hints of why to move forward, some people there were so welcoming and joyful that it made me realize I had left God outside of the equation, turning back to Him I found hope where I thought none was left. I also went to a psychologist who helped me deal with issues that had lingered in me for way too long and were affecting my relationships, my self, and my plans. Later on,  I attended a special retreat (that took place for the first time in Guatemala). To say that the slogan of the retreat seemed to fit the moment would be an understatement. It was a phrase by Saint Augustine which said “Do not go outside yourself, but turn back within; truth dwells in the inner person.” The retreat was a jewel that made me reflect and find that forgiveness and introspection I needed then most. As I said before I traveled to NYC a couple of weeks after the retreat, where one of the most valuable lessons I learned was that there can be comfort in solitude. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. One of my teachers at the course I attended was very into chakras, energies and things which I used to consider absurd, however at this point they made a lot of sense in my life. Speaking with her I felt she was half psychic. Though I remain a Catholic exploring that perspective was of profound interest and comfort. This trail was a healing process, one that made me grow and take a different perspective, not the same joyful perspective I had before falling on the depressive cycle, but a different kind of happiness that felt most real, maybe one that I wouldn’t have come to know had my life been “happy” all the time. I returned from New York and the next day I took a grasp of what I believed was the missing piece in this season of my life: the MPC. I don’t want it to sound like a life saver because it was during the summer that I was able to break free from that cycle of self punishment that I mentioned earlier. The MPC was that light that said: “Here, you’ve been thorough a tough time, you’ve overcome it, let me show you how much there is within you and out there that you can come to know, experience and create”. I couldn’t find a more fitting quote than this one when I finally broke out of that cycle of self sabotage: “I was finally able to say yes to life, a choice for which I am grateful beyond measure, though how I found that yes remains a mystery to me.”



There are times in our lives where things aren’t going well, times where days are perfect and seem to last forever, times where we’re indifferent and times of inspiration. Wherever we are at the moment finding our calling will help us move forward. Finding our calling isn’t doing a specific profession or being in a specific position, but rather being a the kind of person (wherever we are) that God (or whatever anyone wishes to call it) wants us to be. It’s an interesting kind of “wants us to be” because it’s not a stubborn God that’s telling us “You should be this way”, it’s rather a way of communion between this vocation and what we call being authentic. By letting our lives speak we go from a state of existing in our own minds, to truthful living. I can’t find words within me to describe the type of difference between one and the other. It’s one of those things one must experience first hand. 

If I can remember anything from this book by reading this documentation again one day, it would be to ask myself if I’m letting my life speak? Wherever I’m at in life now, do I feel this is my vocation?